It is often said the universe will end not with a bang, but with a wimper, and this is true for the universe of the NFL. With it being the lowest scoring Super Bowl game in history, the Patriots victory over the LA Rams in Superbowl 53 proved that suckers will watch anything for the chance to see a funny Doritos ad. Not to be dramatic or anything, but I would rather watch grass grow than re watch that game. While the game was lackluster to say the least, the real upset came during halftime, where Pepsi took an halftime show that was projected to flop, and somehow made it even worse than everyone anticipated.

The setting for this years Super Bowl was Atlanta, a city known for musical pioneers such as Soulja Boy, Migos, Usher, and John Mayer. So when people were speculating who would play in this years halftime show, many were expecting a musical spectacular filled with stars that put the city on the map, instead they got Maroon 5 and 45 seconds of Travis Scott. So first lets talk about Maroon 5, a band whose primary demographic is edgy fifth graders and moms that sing along to songs played over the grocery store PA system. When you google “Musicians from Atlanta”, you will not find Maroon 5 anywhere on that list, and this angered a lot of people. In fact, 117,077 people signed a petition urging the band to drop the gig, they obviously didn’t, so now Pepsi had a serious public relations problem on their hands. So the Pepsi Co. board of directors decided to bring in rapper/singer Travis Scott to find a compromise that would potentially please everyone, while this would have been a good idea on paper, in practice it fell a bit flat.

After an uneventful opening from Maroon 5, the screen suddenly cut to a scene from Spongebob wherein Squidward must direct an orchestra to perform at an event similar to the Super Bowl. Many wanted them to play the song featured in that episode in memory of Spongebob creator Stephen Hillenburg, who passed away less than a year ago. What people actually got was reused animation from the show, combined with the starting notes to the mega hit song “Sicko Mode”. This cut to an outside view where a “meteor” was hurtling towards Mercedes Benz stadium. This then cut to a lot of fire being used on stage, and Travis Scott appeared in a fake crater surrounded by fire. He then proceeded to sing 45 seconds of “Sicko Mode” half of which the broadcast was silent because it had to be censored, and the entirety of which was off key. He then disappeared, only to be seen again at the end of the show. Then Maroon 5 reappeared and proceed to also sing off key. Some guy came in on a Cadillac and a huge fur(?) coat and sung a song I’ve never heard. Then Maroon 5 was back, for some reason Adam Levine took off his shirt and proceeded to continue to sing off key. Seriously, for a guy that makes a living criticizing others singing on “The Voice”, hes not a good singer.

So that was this years Super Bowl, the highlight of which was either Adam Levine’s Everose Gold Rainbow Rolex Daytona, or the unreleased Air Jordan 1’s and 6’s he and Travis Scott were wearing.

Oh and the Patriots won (Of Course).

Also, Tom Brady frenched Patriots owner Robert Kraft on the lips, which would be totally acceptable, if there wasn’t a 40 year age difference and the weren’t both married.